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Jurassic Bark/Transcript
Credits. Caption: Not Affiliated With Futurama Brass Knuckle Co. :['''Scene': Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Bender stands in front of a mirror wearing a black top hat and purple cape. Fry wears a snazzy, yet revealing, leotard. Bender clears his throat and addresses the mirror.]'' Bender: For my next trick, notice I have nothing up my sleeves ... rolls his arms up. ... and nothing in my head. takes his head off shows it to his "audience" and replaces it. So if my lovely assistant will kindly supply me with an ordinary, non-fake pitcher of milk... rolls up a newspaper and pours the milk into it. He then unrolls the newspaper. Behold, the milk has vanished! Exiled, perhaps, to another dimension! :bows to his "audience". As he bows milk drips out from his chest cabinet. Fry claps. Fry: Amazing! That's why they call you "Bender the Magnificent"! Bender: No, it isn't. :throws the newspaper across the room into a bin. Fry sees the headline "Archeologists Discover 'Slice Of Old New York'". Fry: Whoa! They discovered an intact, 20th century pizzeria, just like the one I used to work at. Bender: Interesting. No, wait, the other thing ... tedious. Fry: Let's go check it out. You can see how I lived before I met you. Bender: You lived before you met me? Fry: Sure. Lots of people did. Bender: Really? :['''Scene': Museum of Natural History. Fry and Bender walk down a corridor to the exhibit past displays such as "Codpieces of the Federal Reserve Chairman", a pimp in amber and "Coprolites of the ". Bender hums and they walk into the pizzeria exhibit. They look around.]'' Bender: Truly, they were as gods who built this place! :tour group enters. Tour Guide: Next, we come to the splendidly-preserved wooden pizza paddle. presses a button and a robot chef bats a robot delivery boy with the paddle. Scientists theorise it was used to gently discipline the delivery boy. :crouches next to the robot delivery boy and pulls down his fringe so it looks like his robot counterpart's. He notices a "Panucci's Pizza" menu on the wall. Fry: Wait a second! This is Panucci's! I used to work in this exact pizzeria! grabs the paddle. And for your information, lady, this was not just used to paddle my butt. It was also used to move pizzas and crush rats. Tour Guide: I don't know where you get your facts, sir, but I am a volunteer housewife with 45 minutes of orientation and a Harlequin romance about archaeologists. :holds up a book. Fry: Don't wave your fancy degrees at me! I recognise all this stuff. walks over to a display case. Petrified sausages, old Mr. Patelli. And that's-- :gasps. There is a dog-shaped black thing in the display case. :['''Flashback': August 1997. A scruffy dog scratches itself in an alley and watches Fry deliver a pizza across the street. Fry buzzes the intercom.]'' Man: intercom Yes? Fry: Pizza delivery for Mr. ... checks the note. ... Seymour Asses. Man: intercom There's no one by that name here ... or anywhere. I hope that in time you'll realise what an idiot you've been. Fry: I wouldn't count on that. :['''Scene': Alley. Fry sits leaning against a wall. He opens the pizza box and takes out a slice and starts to eat it. The dog crawls out from behind a dumpster and whines. Fry sees him.]'' Fry: Aw! Poor little guy. You look like you haven't eaten in a month. Here ... offers the dog a slice. ... but if Mr. Panucci asks, your name is Seymour Asses. dog snaffles the slice. I like you, Seymour. You're not constantly judging me like all the other dogs ... are you? Nah! We understand each other. hands Seymour another slice. People think you're just a dumb mutt who smells bad, can't find a girlfriend and has a crummy job. But you're keepin' it real and you call no man "Mister". gets up and gets on his bike. Well, goodbye. [He does the .]'' Live long and prosper. :rides away and Seymour watches. :['''Cut to': New York Street. Seymour chases Fry, barking.]'' :[''Flashback ends. Bender reacts to the fossilised dog.]'' Bender: Yuck! That's the least appetising calzone I've ever seen! Fry: No! That's my dog in there. It's an outrage, I say! grabs Bender by his foot and uses him to smash the display case. He takes Seymour and Bender hops around holding his foot, screaming in pain. I'm taking him home and I'd like to see anyone try and stop me. security guards grab him. Uh-oh! :['''Cut to': Outside Museum of Natural History. The security guards throw Fry out of the building and he bounces down the steps, screaming in pain.]'' :['''Scene': Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit at the table.]'' Bender: And then he was ejected by the guards. Needless to say, I was mortified. Fry: Well it's not right to make my dead pet an exhibit. That's like digging up Lassie and putting her on display in the Louvre. Amy: Lassie is on display in the Louvre. Fry: I know. I was deliberately describing a similar situation. Farnsworth: Why don't you try protesting? Like those native Martians; always whining that people don't treat their ancestor's bones with respect. :takes a slurp from a mug which look suspiciously like a Martian skull. Bender: Nah, protesting never works. Fry: You're right. gets up. I'll give it a shot! :['''Scene': Outside Museum of Natural History. Fry holds a sign and a megaphone.]'' Crowd: chanting What do you want? Fry: megaphone Fry's dog! Crowd: chanting When do you want it? Fry: megaphone. Fry's dog! crowd cheers. I will now perform my people's native dance. :[He turns on a tape and dances to Van McCoy's '' . Leela reads a book.]'' Leela: It says this part of The Hustle implores the gods to grant a favour. Usually a Trans-AM. :['''Flashback': July 1998 (The Summer Of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer). Fry cycles down the street towards Panucci's, singing.]'' Fry: singing I'm walking on sunshine! Oh-oh-oh! howls along with the tune. I'm walking on sunshine! Oh-oh-oh! locks his bike up. talking That a boy, Seymour! Right here waiting for me as always. Just like that huge mushroom in my shower. :goes inside. Seymour follows through the dog flap. :['''Cut to': Panucci's Pizza.]'' Panucci: Hey! There's our little mascot. shakes himself. Aw, you been swimming in the sewer again? rubs Seymour down with the pizza dough. You rascal! ladles tomato sauce onto the dough. Some spills onto the floor. Fry, cleanup! Fry: Seymour, cleanup! licks up the tomato sauce. Good dog! Panucci: That's a good Seymour! :boy plays an arcade game with one hand and holds a pizza slice with another. Boy: Yo! There's dog fur on my slice! Panucci: Nah, that's vermicelli! No fur in here! :sneezes into the dough and continues rubbing it. Seymour swims around in the tomato sauce. Fry: He's so cute! He can do two things at one time: Eat and swim. Ooh, three things! :[''Flashback ends. Fry is still dancing. It is raining and the music starts to muffle.]'' Leela: Fry, it's been three days. You can't keep boogie-ing like this. You'll come down with a fever of some sort. :men walk out of the museum. One holds a briefcase and his assistant holds an umbrella. Ben Beeler: Mr. Fry? I'm Dr. Ben Beeler, the palaeontologist who discovered your dog. Or as some call it, the "Beelersaurus". Fry: So do I get Seymour back? Are you caving to political pressure? Beeler: No, we're sorry but there's just too much that fossil can teach us about dogs from your time. Fry: His name was Seymour. He was once intimate with the leg of a wandering saxophonist. He had wet dog smell, even when dry. And he was not above chasing the number 29 bus. Ray: The 29? Interesting. Beeler: That's all I needed. Ray? Ray: I'm good. Beeler: OK then. Here's your dog back. :takes Seymour out of his briefcase and hands it to Fry. He hugs him and chuckles. Fry: Seymour! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Bender the Magnificent has sawn Dr. Zoidberg in half. Although his feet look oddly human.]'' Bender: Lady and gentleman! How 'bout a hand for my temporary replacement assistant? :and Leela applaud. Zoidberg jumps out of one half of the box. Zoidberg: I was all in this part! It's magic! :beats him with his wand with each word. Bender: You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard! Zoidberg: Stop! :Farnsworth, Fry and Seymour. Fry: Good news, everyone! Bender: Hooray, he's back! And he's looking for a garbage can to put the rock in! Here you go, buddy! :holds up a waste basket. Farnsworth: No. Actually we've discovered that Fry's dog was fast-fossilised, preserving it's cellular structure! Fry: Which means we can clone it! Seymour will live again! :gasps. Zoidberg: A little land mammal! Fry: Can you believe it, Bender? I'm going to have my best friend back! :turns away and starts to cry. His tears turn into balloons and doves and his antenna sprouts flowers. :['''Scene': Planet Express: Attic Room. Farnsworth has set up his cloning machine and the staff look on. Enter Cubert.]'' Cubert: Why the idiot convention? Farnsworth: Ah, Cubert, my precious babe. I'm going to attempt to clone Fry's dog using the very same apparatus I used to clone you. looks into the cloning tank. Ooh, look! There's a smidge of toe still in here. picks it up and hands it to Cubert. He walks over to a computer and presses a button and Seymour appears. You see, beneath the fossil's crunchy, mineral shell, there's still a creamy core of dog nougat. :the screen an arrow points to a yellow blob inside Seymour. Fry: So will Seymour remember how to sing Walking On Sunshine? Farnsworth: Amazingly, yes. In cases of rapid fossilisation, I can press this brain scan button, retrieving Seymour's memories at the precise instant of doggy death. Fry: I'm gonna get my puppy back! In your face, Grim Reaper! Bender: Crappy ineffective Reaper! Farnsworth: I just need to reset the Clone-O-Mat from Human Mode to Dog Mode. :turns a switch around to a picture of a dog. Computer Voice: The dog says-- :cow moos. Farnsworth: Uh-oh, this may take a while. :thumps the switch. :['''Flashback': December 31 1999. Fry "teaches" the boy to play Monkey Fracas Jr. at Panucci's. Seymour looks on, wagging his tail.]'' Boy: You stink, loser! :leans over the counter with a pizza. Panucci: Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. C'mon! Fry: But I'm celebrating New Year's Eve. Panucci: Like you got squat to celebrate! You're a delivery boy this millennium and you'll be a delivery boy next millennium! sighs and picks up the pizza. He walks to the door. Seymour grabs his trouser leg and holds Fry back. What's with Seymour? It's like he don't want you to go. Or he thinks your pants is too short, or somethin'. Which is crazy 'cause, frankly, you look fabulous. Now get goin'! :['''Scene': Outside Panucci's Pizza. Fry unlocks his bike and Seymour put his paw on the wheel.]'' Fry: I won't be gone long, Seymour. Just wait here till I come back. :rides off. Seymour sits, waiting. :['''Scene': Applied Cryogenics. Fry knocks on the and goes in.]'' :['''Cut to': Cryogenics Lab. Fry wipes the condensation from one of the cryo-tubes and looks around.]'' Fry: Hello? Pizza delivery for ... reads the delivery note. ... Icy Wiener? Aw, crud! sits down and opens the can. Here's to another lousy millennium. :['''Scene': Outside Panucci's Pizza. Crowds are gathered to see in the new year wearing party hats and holding glasses.]'' Crowd: chanting Five, four, three, two. :['''Scene': Applied Cryogenics. Fry blows the noise maker and the chair tips back. He doesn't see two shadows under the desk, one of a small creature and one of a figure whose hair has two forks at the front. Fry falls off the chair and rolls backwards into the freezer. The dial on the machine sets to 1000 years.]'' Fry: What the--? :looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time. :[''Flashback ends.]'' :['''Scene': Fry's and Bender's Kitchen. Fry takes a bag of Kibbles 'n' Snouts out of a brown paper bag and puts it into the cupboard next to a box of Cocker Floss. Bender walks in and notices a dog collar on the side.]'' Bender: A dog collar, for me? puts it on. You shouldn't have! Fry: That's for Seymour. :walks out. Bender: Oh. :takes it off and throws it down. It bounces off a squeaky dog newspaper. :['''Cut to': Fry's and Bender's Lounge. Fry unloads two more bags of Kibbles 'n' Snouts. Bender walks in, carrying the toy.]'' Bender: Say, why'd you get me a subscription to the Daily Growl? puts on some glasses. That's not a reputable journal of opinion. Fry: Oh, that's also for Seymour. I'm getting everything ready for when he's cloned. Bender: Are you on the junk, Fry? Why are you wasting time on a creature of inferior intelligence? Fry: Hey, he was smart! He could fetch. Bender: I can fetch. :runs out then back in again carrying a moai. Fry: He could dig up bones. Bender: Hello? Charlemagne? opens his chest cabinet door, revealing bones and a crown. Plus, I bet he couldn't create a laser show with his head. :lights go out and lasers come out of his antenna. Techno music plays. Fry: Look, Bender, this has nothing to do with you. Bender: That's impossible! Fry: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm working on Seymour's doghouse. :looks at a kennel and walks out. Fry holds a hammer and a sign saying "Seymour" ready to nail on. Bender: No one ever asks if Bender would like to live in a tiny little house. Not that I would. A tiny little house that says "Bender" on it. hammers the sign on but the hammer head flies off and hits Bender. Ow! :['''Flashback': January 1st 2000. At the Frys' house, Mr. Fry is on the phone but can hear only Fry's answerphone message.]'' Fry: phone This is Fry. If you're calling about the used towels for sale, they're still available for $45 each. :answerphone beeps. Mr. Fry: Phil, it's your father. Where are you? You're holding up New Year's brunch. Your brother can't wait any longer. :picks up a sandwich. Yancy: Hello, first baloney of the new millennium! barks from outside. Ah, here he comes. That's him and Seymour. :Fry opens the door and Seymour runs in barking. Mrs. Fry: Well that's weird. Seymour's here but-- turns to the TV. Go! Go! Touchdown! But where's Philip? Mr. Fry: I'm tellin' you, the Y2K computer's got him. We'll face burnin' roads, rivers exploding, calculators transformed into Scud missiles. There's nothing we can do. [Seymour climbs onto the TV and barks ''Walking On Sunshine.]'' What's that, Seymour? You walking on sunshine? :runs over to the door and scratches it. Yancy: He's trying to tell us something. Maybe he can lead us to Philip. :['''Cut to': Outside The Frys' House. Seymour runs out the front door.]'' Yancy: Should we follow him? Mr. Fry: To our deaths? Negatory. :['''Cut to': The Frys' Lounge.]'' Mr. Fry: It's the Y2K tryin' to lure us into an ambush. And I ain't buyin' it. Pass the baloney. :eats a sandwich. :[''Flashback ends.]'' :['''Scene': Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Amy wrestle while Fry stands by the couch holding Seymour. Leela pins down Amy.]'' Fry: Are you two gonna be done soon? Leela: Sorry, but we need to practise hand-to-hand combat in case an enemy knocks the laser guns out of our hands and they slide way across the room. Fry: Well could you do it some place else? I'm setting up Seymour's doggy bed. Leela: OK. :drags Amy out of Fry's way. Fry kicks the mat out of the way and puts Seymour's bed on the floor next to the couch. Enter Bender and a Robo-Puppy. Bender: Heel, boy, heel! Oh, hello, Fry! I guess I didn't notice you there. I'm having such fun with my new best friend, Robo-Puppy. Fry: indifferent That's nice. Bender: I was just out walking him. Yes, you can walk him. Of course, after he goes you have to refill the canisters. C'mere, boy! Pet, pet, pet. :pets Robo-Puppy. Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy receiving petting. Amy: Bender, are you jealous of Fry's puppy? That's so adorable! Bender: Jealous? laughs and picks up Robo-Puppy. Not while I have the love of Robo-Puppy here. Robo-Puppy, lick my cheek. Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek. tongue comes out. Robo-Puppy commencing cheek-licking. Licking in progress. Licking complete. Bender: Robo-Puppy truly is robot's best friend, huh? :finishes the bed. Fry: Ah, there! Perfect! :is a fanfare and a hologram of Farnsworth's head appears in the room. Holo-Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The Clone-O-Mat is ready! :hologram disappears. Leela and Amy cheer and Leela slams Amy down. Fry: Finally! :growls. Robo-Puppy: Robo-Puppy commencing two-hour yipping session. starts to yip and Bender kicks it against the wall. Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert! :['''Scene': Planet Express: Attic Room. The staff stand in front of the Clone-O-Mat. The roof is open and storm clouds drift by.]'' Farnsworth: Behold once more, the mighty Clone-O-Mat! Requiring such vast amounts of electricity that we must harness the elemental power of nature itself. strikes and the staff "Ooh". I speak, of course, of molten lava deep within the Earth's core. To the sub-basement! :pulls a lever and the platform that the Clone-O-Mat and they are on descends through the floor. :['''Cut to': Planet Express: Sub-Basement. Scruffy pulls a chain and the platform slowly descends towards the ground. It topples but he rights it. Farnsworth steps off with a power cord and takes it to a socket on a lava vent. A nearby sign reads "Warning: Contents Of Earth May Be Hot".]'' Farnsworth: Powering up Clone-O-Mat. plugs in the cord and the Clone-O-Mat bubbles. Placing fossil on the Plat-Clone-O-Form. puts Seymour down. Initiating dog brain CAT scan. :encompasses the fossil. Fry pats his thighs. Fry: Come on, boy! Come back to life! Farnsworth: Know ye now what feels like to be dog god! Commencing DNA extraction. :pulls on a rope and a drill moves towards Seymour. Enter Bender the Magnificent. Bender: Fry, c'mon, the talent show! Fry: What? I'm in the middle of something. Bender: But, if we don't perform, in what sense do we have an act? Fry: Bender, enough! Leave me alone! Bender: So that's how it is, huh? I thought you were my friend. But if you love your dog so much, maybe you'd rather play fetch! :picks up Seymour before the drill bit reaches him and throws him into the molten lava. Leela: No! Zoidberg: Oh! :sinks and Fry gasps. Bender laughs and hugs him. Bender: Now I'm all you got! :Lapse. Fry weakly hits Bender. Fry: I hate you! I hate you! You evil metal man! kicks him. Ow! :falls to the floor and curls up. Bender: So anyway your dog is melted. Now we're friends again. Farnsworth: Not necessarily. For the dog may yet survive. Fry: May yet? Really? Farnsworth: Indeed. You see, that fossil was made of dolomite; The tough black mineral that won't cop out when there's heat all about. By contrast, observe the lava's affect on this ice swan. takes an ice swan out of the freezer and takes it towards the lava. It immediately melts. Of course, that would have melted even at room temperature. I just wanted to get rid of it. But had it been made of that righteous mineral dolomite, there's a slim chance it might have survived. Fry: So Seymour might still exist? Farnsworth: Perhaps, for a few minutes. It's dolomite, baby! Fry: Then I'm goin' in after him. :takes his jacket off and rips off his shirt. He pulls off his trousers and runs for the lava. Amy: shouting No! Leela: shouting Stop! Fry: He'd come after me! :['''Flashback': January 1st 2000. Montage: Seymour runs down a street and looks in Panucci's window. He sniffs Fry's hand and face prints on the pavement. Later, he runs into a 99c Store and sniffs a photo of Fry underneath a notice that says "Do Not Take Checks From This Man". He runs into Itelli's Barber Shop, sniffs some red hair clippings then eats some. Outside Mr. Putzz' Mini-Golf, he looks through the railings. He runs down another street and sees someone open a door and throw out a Panucci's Pizza box. He runs inside the Applied Cryogenics building.]'' :[''Flashback ends. Fry takes a dive for the lava. Leela and Amy push him to the ground.]'' Leela: Acting like a moron won't bring your dog back. Fry: Then all hope is lost. lifts himself up and looks at the lava. Goodbye, Seymour. :cries. Bender: Please stop crying, Fry. Here. hands him a coloured handkerchief which is tied to several more in his sleeve. I assumed you were just pretending to love the dog to toy with my emotions. Oh, what have I done? :starts to cry. Zoidberg: You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself up. Bender: Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood how someone can love an inferior creature, because I love you. Not in the way of the Ancient Greeks, but the way a robot loves a human, a human loves a dog and, occasionally, a gorilla loves a kitty. looks into the lava. I'm goin' in! Farnsworth: I'm a professor! Why isn't anyone listening to me? You can't go in because you'll melt. The fossil only has a chance because it's made of dolomite. Bender: I'm 40% dolomite! bangs his chest and dives in. His hat and cape float on the surface and everyone gasps. Bender swims through the lava and his casing starts to come apart. Oh, it's hot! It's very hot! :['''Flashback': January 1st 2000. In the cryogenics lab, Seymour barks at Fry, frozen in the cryo-tube. A man fixes a radiator and a cryogenisist sits at his desk nursing a hangover.]'' Cryogenisist: Ugh! I am one hungover cryogenisist. Just throw that mutt in the freezer till his owners get here. Plumber: You can't solve all your problems by freezing them, boss. Cryogenisist: I think you're forgetting our motto. :points at a sign that reads "You Can Solve All Your Problems By Freezing Them!" Underneath in a cryo-tube is a woman with a rolling pin and an apron. Enter Mr. and Mrs. Fry. Mr. Fry: Are you the cryogenisist who called about our son's dog? Cryogenisist: Oh, you must be the Frys. Yeah, he's right over there. :points to Seymour who is still barking at Fry's freezer. Mrs. Fry: Sorry we're late. We all got sick from eating bad baloney. Mr. Fry: Y2K! :and Mrs. Fry stand by Fry's freezer but don't see him. Mrs. Fry: What's he so worked up about? Mr. Fry: He's just upset 'cause our boy's missing. clips a lead onto Seymour. C'mon, you overgrown rat. Lead us to Philip. :struggles but Mr. Fry drags him out. :[''Flashback ends. Bender still hasn't returned to the surface.]'' Leela: Bender's been down there too long. I'm going in after him. :starts to rip off her wrestling suit. Farnsworth: Professor! Lava! Hot! Fry: This is all my fault. I let my best friend risk his life just to get my dead dog back. cries. The ground starts to shake and Bender erupts through it with Seymour. Bender! Bender: And that is why they call me Bender the Magnificent! eyes melt and fall out. Hey, where'd everybody go? :Lapse. Bender: OK! Let's clone us some dog! Fry: Yeah! Farnsworth: Very well. Let this abomination unto the Lord begin! pulls the chain again and Seymour is zapped and his DNA is extracted. "Species: Canais Familiaris. Age: 15" is displayed on a screen. Interesting. It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of 15. Fry: 15? You mean he lived for 12 more years after I got frozen? Farnsworth: Indeed. Fry: Stop the cloning. :picks up a spanner and hits the Clone-O-Mat with it. Farnsworth: Oh, sure! Smash the smart guy's machine! Bender: Fry, what's wrong? Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone. He probably even added new songs to his repertoire. Bender: But that's a good thing. Walking On Sunshine sucks noodles! Fry: I had Seymour till he was three. That's when I knew him and that's when I loved him. picks up Seymour's fossil. I'll never forget him. But he forgot me a long, long time ago. :kisses Seymour and walks away. :['''Flashback, Montage': January 2nd 2000. The song " " from the film plays. Seymour sits outside Panucci's Pizza waiting for Fry to come back. It changes to summer, then autumn, a snowy and rainy winter and back to spring. Panucci gives Seymour a slice of pizza. The seasons change from autumn to winter again. Seymour starts to age a little. The "U" from the "Panucci's Pizza" sign falls on a man. An aged Panucci pats Seymour on the head. Seymour continues to wait for Fry to return, and closes his eyes...]'' :Credits. Category:Season 4 Scripts Category:Episode Transcripts Category:Transcripts